An “Insignificant” Event
One day in London, I was stopped in traffic at a red light. I was on a right turn. On my left there was a bus lane; it was tempting to take advantage of it and just drive past the traffic to reach my destination faster but the fines are severe – and for a good reason – so I had never attempted it.
I was a bit lost in my thoughts so I did not notice a bus that was moving quickly in the left lane. Because of the turning road, the driver wasn’t able or careful enough to keep the bus in the bus lane so he hit the side of the bus on my van’s front bumper.
He hit me very lightly. There was no significant scratch or anything. However, it was enough to shake my van. The bus seemed to have gotten rattled as well. Some people who were sitting next to the spot where the bus was hit got up startled and wondered what had happened. The bus driver stopped and looked at me very angrily. He yelled at me and moved his hands in a very angry way although he did not bother coming out of the bus since it was nothing big really. The people from within the bus were also very upset at me. They were standing next to the windows looking at me very upset, obviously blaming me for the incident. I remember a couple of elderly ladies looking at me annoyed.
I had felt that I hadn’t done anything wrong. In my perception, I had been clear from the bus lane. All these people had been falsely accusing me. I got upset and, ignoring the passengers I turned towards the driver and in an angry way, I told him that it was his fault that this had happened. I held myself back from reacting too angrily though and I asked my divine mother for the disintegration of the ego of anger that was trying to make a big deal out of the situation.
Soon after, the green light came, and the event was over, everyone moved on to the things they needed to do. I did the same and drove to my next appointment.
I had a feeling of remorse for reacting to the situation but I couldn’t quite grasp its significance. My mind was filled with thoughts of being right. Although at the time I didn’t notice, there was an underlying feeling of content that I had been able to win over my urge to make a scene out of that incident.
A Dream that Exposed my Anger
Later, in a dream, I found myself walking in a city street all alone. It was a modern setting. Seemed quite normal, nothing special about it apart from the fact that there were no cars and no people around me. At the time I spent most of my time working and driving in the streets of London, so the scene could have been a typical day.
A few people were walking towards me. They were quite intimidating; asking for trouble. One of them was the bus driver that I had encountered in the short, seemingly insignificant, incident with the bus bump.
I looked at them with fear. They were 4-5 of them and I was on my own. I didn’t stand a chance. But I was too proud to show fear and I felt that being fearful would give them more strength. I wanted to convey confidence and power. So, the fear became pride and this pride led me to a burst of anger, unlike anything I had perceived before. However, strangely enough, instead of attacking these people I laughed loudly and particularly. This laughter made me feel strong and confident. I felt invincible.
I woke up realizing it was just a dream.
Understanding the Meaning of the Dream
I was very surprised by the way I reacted in the dream. I could not recognize myself. I felt I had failed to keep my calm and although I did not attack them, I found anger as being the only solution I had in order to confront the intimidating people. I knew that the strange laughter that came out of me was part of me in a way but a part of me that was unknown.
The small, seemingly insignificant, incident with the bus driver had materialized in the astral plane as a dream. In the physical incident, the bus driver, along with the passengers were against me. They were accusing me of something I felt I had no responsibility for. I knew I was right…
I thought I had controlled my anger and had not made a scene out of the event. But in a way, I was missing a deeper layer of understanding that, at the time, I was not willing to be open to.
Retrospecting and meditating on the incident and the dream I came to realise that a certain fear and anger had arisen and manifested as an unpleasant knot in my solar plexus and a pressure in my stomach. Rather than focusing on removing it, I replaced it with another strong sentiment, which made me feel good about myself in the situation. But the result of this effort was a deception that caused me to forget about the knot rather than remove it and get rid of it.
I had subconsciously focused too much on being right and feeling good about the situation rather than observing myself through it. Even asking for the death of the ego was part of the effort to stop feeling unpleasant rather than understanding and removing the ego of anger so that I could experience a greater understanding and peace within the situation. It wasn’t a conscious effort to understand but almost an effort to confirm that I was on the right side. There was little to no learning on my part. And that, I feel, was the crucial mistake. This sense of feeling right gave a lot of strength to an animalistic defence mechanism that passed completely unnoticed.
It was not really my self-control that prevented a scene. It was the fear of being embarrassed as well as the fast pace of the collision incident and its aftermath. There was a green light, I was in the middle of traffic, the bus was leaving and no damage in any vehicle had occurred. It would be out of place to make a scene. People would think I am crazy running after the bus just to prove my right. It would be against the norms of society.
The dream was less tactful, however. The bus driver and the elderly passengers that looked at me annoyed had become macho bullies that wanted to harm me. There was no traffic to urge me to move on and no vehicle barriers to prevent me from openly facing people. There was no traffic light that gave a compulsory end to the small squabble and a transition to a new situation. In the dream, there was a slow-paced walk where the people that confronted me were facing me. They were many so they were stronger. But I had anger and I was feeling right because I was just the victim. And my anger came out like a fearless beast to defend its own right.
The dream had been very revealing of my true inner state during a seemingly insignificant event. The subconscious processes that took place in the small collision became plain in the dream. I felt defeated by an unrecognizable ego-self that took over me and made me act in an unexpected way. But it was my fault because I had deceived myself.
This dream helped me get an insight of how anger can subtly and unknowingly be fed and how much can be left unseen if I am not in proper self-observation during the day.
In closing, I thought I would share this helpful video from Belsebuub on handling negativity from others: